America’s Soviet Sweetheart is now officially off the market.
That’s right all you lovelorn socialist suiters, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez got engaged recently to her undergrad romp partner and Congressional Staff member, Riley Roberts. Rumor has it that he immediately accepted her proposal even when she refused to get on one knee because it was 'too deferential to antiquated gender roles.' I guess the promise of private jets and hypocritical galas was too much to pass up.
The ripples of this earth-shattering news is reverberating as we all slowly realize that we can now no longer ‘date' her. If you’ll remember, our favorite communist attempted to defend her ignorance by claiming that GOP attacks were simply because they couldn’t wine and dine her at one of the tony expense-account driven restaurants in our ‘nation’s’ capital. I even wrote a small piece about it here. Way to raise the standard of discourse you puppet.
Now don’t misunderstand, I get why she might think some on the other side of the aisle might want to ‘get some strange,’ but I don’t really think that means Portland Strange.
I think I’d much rather let AOC keep it weird behind the closed doors of her new apartment that she must pay for all by herself (Who’s a big girl? You are!).
Now, to be sure, it’s not just Republicans that are flinging themselves off balconies at this news (we reached out to HRC’s staff to obtain her current location/alibi but they didn’t get back to us by press time).
But there is a great deal of shared-experience pain-sharing now occurring at all the Communists of America and Wiccans for Bernie meetups across these once-fruited plains. Genders spanning their endless spectrum are now wailing in sorrow as news spreads that AOC has plucked Mx. Roberts from obscurity to be her permanent +1 at the swanky Panem soirees we all know and fund.
Now, in my copious and thorough research for this hard-hitting piece, I found a few notable individuals that are drowning their sorrows in their Chai Lattes as we speak. Here are just a few that I thought would be pretty funny to talk to.
First there was Mike Isaacson, aka, the Antifa Professor. This piece of work, if you’ll remember, unironically, was an adjunct professor at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice who tweeted out this little gem:
“…it’s a privilege to teach future dead cops…”
How must this poor sap be feeling right about now when he learned he was passed over by the most undiscerning single gal in the legislature? Ouch.
Incredibly, in an act of uncharacteristic action by our higher education sector, Antifa Professor was later fired for his comments. Undoubtedly, he lost his place in the AOC fiancé and cake-eating sweepstakes when he lost his plumb “job” and consequently would be unable to provide the life that AOC so desperately feels she’s entitled to.
After all, when you get picked at an audition for public office, don’t you deserve private jets, limo’s and all the taxpayer funded out-of-season pumpkin spice lattes you can drink?
Last word on Antifa Professor’s whereabouts was that he was currently parking cars at the Women and Women First bookstore and Antifa Training Center in Portland, Ore. Don’t give up, big guy! We’re pulling for you! He/She is out there just waiting for you to find them.
As a side note, the real feminist bookstore parodied by the Portlandia comedy show called, In Other Words, withdrew their permission in 2016 to use their store to film in because, get this, Fred Armisen (a male) plays one of the characters in drag. Yes, really.
Wow. Hypocrite much?
Apropos of nothing....Next up to lose out on a life of taxpayer funded largesse was Canadian Premier and granny-stomper, Justin Trudeau. It was a real upset when the Canadian Ultra-Beta lost to the American Maxi-Beta Roberts.
Word in communist circles was that the pairing of Marxism’s favorite bartender with the (alleged) illegitimate son of Fidel Castro would unite the Upper Kingdom and the Lower Kingdom into a hegemonic North American 'Trans-Union' made in Trotsky Heaven.
Semper Utopia Americana!
Now, in case you hadn't heard, this well-dressed soy boy believes so strongly in his right to rule a free people by decree that little old ladies using walkers aren’t safe and are beaten down and trampled by his horse-mounted storm troopers.
Word on the street is that there is Canadian legislation in the works to allow for former Ukrainian presidents to be ‘elected’ Premier of Canada. It appears that Mr. Soros can read the writing on the bullet hole-riddled walls of Kiev and is protecting his investment by finding someplace these well-groomed betas to go next. Let’s say it together, “Spasiba, eh?”
While good ole Justin was a strong contender and handily beat out Antifa Professor for the princess’s hand, he too lost out to soy ‘boy’ and Marvel Comic-named Uber-Simp, Riley Roberts.
While her reasoning, or its existence, cannot be confirmed (can it ever?), this author believes Trudeau lost out when it was discovered he went full black face in his indiscrete youth. Not because it was racist or in bad taste because everyone knows a Communist doesn't live by the same rules of decency actual humans do, But instead, it was because he just didn't commit to it like her own role model, Elizabeth Warren, did when Warren 'identified as' a Native American for 30 years.
Maybe this rubbed Alexandra the wrong way? In case you hadn't heard, in an attempt at scoring a race baiting toofer, AOC now claims indigenous ancestry in addition to her Puerto Rican roots. Well done, Alexandra! Looks like she’s already outdoing Ole Fauxcahantas herself with the Warren strategy Way to go! Anyone care to try for a Three-peat?
Regardless, Ole President Justin is out. See ya...
And finally we come to our last and least contender for the right to be called Mr. Ocasio-Cortez, the literal poster-child of the beta male movement. Without further ado, we have the ‘male’ from those old Obama (you can keep your doctor) Care commercials, Mr. Soy Boy himself.
Now, to be honest, I was a little bit taken aback when I learned that AOC did not pick Mr. Beta himself. Isn’t he literally everything that AOC would want in a latte-sipping ‘male?’ I mean, let's count them off, shall we?
He’s got that whole cute-nerd look going for him, that's for sure. That's GOT to be in AOC's wheelhouse, no?
And that smirk on that ever-lovin' punum is so hipster lovable, how could any self-respecting legislator/puppet child resist?
Oh, and can I just say that it's obvious this person (no word on pronouns by press time!) is absolutely ready to tackle the day? Do you realize this guy has never been seen in anything but his Christmas morning footy pajamas?
What the hell else could AOC ask for??
But, from what I understand, Mr. Soy Boy didn’t even realize he was in contention! My sources tell me that Mr. Soy Boy lost out to Roberts for the simple reason that the love note he passed to AOC in Socialist Studies class got intercepted and dumped in the garbage by Roberts. Power move, Riley!
And so it was Riley for the win.
Congratulations, you deserve her.
With You in the Fight,
R. Altomare
Founder of BreathEasy
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